one might say we're banned from that church
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
