I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
