I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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