So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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