I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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