We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
