You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
