i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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