I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".