I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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