You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
