I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
