I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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