i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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