I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
