I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I need to align my fucking chakras
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
