i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
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