Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
