Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
