I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
