Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
