so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
