Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
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You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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