i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
