the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
