i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
