Will you blow on my dice?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
