Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
