I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
