Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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