So drunk its hurt
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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