My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
