She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she peed on how many people?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
