Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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