I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
