im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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