You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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