Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
