You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
