dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
