My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence