Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She needs sedatives and a leash
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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