It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
