Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
