he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
