My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
