dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
His hands were made for my vagina.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
