Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
