Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
