I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
