i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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