Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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