Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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