I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
