the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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